Understanding grief
Throughout
the course of our life, it is inevitable that we will experience loss.
It may be the loss of a loved one, relationship, job, or even
our health.
During such times, we may face difficult
emotions such as sadness or despair along with our grief. Such emotions
can feel overwhelming and affect our appetite, energy, and sleep,
thereby impacting our well-being and daily routines. Although navigating
these feelings may not be easy, there are healthy ways for us to cope
with our loss and find new meaning.
Read on to find out more about what we can
do to cope with grief.
What is grief?
Grief is a natural response to losing someone or something important to us. It is a personal experience, with everyone grieving differently and at different paces. We can learn to heal in a comfortable and healthy way by understanding our emotions, learning to care for ourselves, and seeking support.
What causes grief?
Some common causes of grief include:
(e.g. a family member, friend or pet) or loss of pregnancy (e.g. miscarriage)
career stability
(e.g. unable to have a baby or have a parent witness a significant life event)
getting seriously ill
a traumatic event
(e.g. traffic accident,
house fire or assault)
Common misconceptions of grief
Understanding stages of grief
As we experience different stages
of our lives, grief may become more of a common occurrence. While grief
is different for everyone, there are 5 common stages of grief that can
help us make sense of our emotions.
These 5 stages of grief
are:
Denial
Right after experiencing a loss, we may feel stunned or numb, choosing to deny reality rather than overcome our disbelief in what has happened. This is normal and a natural way of protecting ourselves from the full impact of grief. Denial is the body’s method of managing our emotions in a way that staggers and paces the pain, letting in only as much as it can handle.
Anger
As we begin to process the loss,
life may seem unfair, and we may begin to
question why this happened or who
caused it.
We might misdirect our
anger, hurt, and frustration onto innocent
others, blaming the person who left us, those we
think are responsible for our loss or
even ourselves.
Sometimes, we may
even direct our anger at strangers as a
result of our general sense of anger and
hatred at the world. We might also feel
disconnected and alone.
Bargaining
Having to suddenly adapt to life
without the person or thing we lost can have us
feeling helpless and hurt. When trying to cope
with this pain, we may resort to making futile
deals and promises such as “I promise to
never get angry again if it prevents them from
leaving me” or “I will turn my life around
if it keeps them from dying”.
Our minds may also
explore alternate realities to see if we
could have prevented our loss from ever
occurring. We might wonder if our grief
could have been avoided if we had done
things differently or not done something
at all.
Depression
As we proceed to accept our loss,
we might feel too upset to do anything. We may
not see any reason to get out of bed or engage
in our normal routines, withdrawing from our
usual activities and interactions
(e.g. going to work, hanging out with
family and friends).
While our sorrow may
feel endless and too difficult to recover
from, it is important to recognise that
these depressive feelings are temporary and
simply our body’s way of helping us cope
with our loss.
Acceptance
As we progress through our grief,
our feelings of depression will gradually
improve. Slowly, we may find ourselves looking
forward to future plans and resuming our usual
activities or interactions with our family
and friends.
Acceptance does not
mean that we will not feel difficult emotions
when reminded of our loss or become happy
right away. We may
still find ourselves alternating between
feeling intense emotions and pushing aside
our emotions temporarily to fulfil our
practical needs and life tasks
(e.g. having to run errands without our
loved one, or moving into a
new home).
While these stages are common when processing grief, not everyone undergoes all the stages or in the same order. This is perfectly normal and okay.
What are the signs and
symptoms of grief?
The type and intensity of emotions
experienced as well as the physical signs of
grief vary for each person. For example:
Energy loss
Hyper-sensitivity to sight, smell or sound
Loss of appetite, leading to weight loss
Sleep disturbances,
exhaustion, fatigue
Increased susceptibility to illnesses
Empty, tight or sick
feeling in the stomach, tightened chest,
constricted
throat, breathlessness,
heart palpitations
Difficulties coming to terms with the loss or disbelief
Obsession with thoughts of the loss
Difficulties with memory and concentration
Feelings of helplessness or hopelessness
Absent-mindedness
Disorganised thoughts
Crying or sighing
Being agitated or tense
Preoccupation with the loss
Lashing out at others for minor mistakes or misunderstandings
Abandoning routines
Being disorientated and disorganised
Withdrawing from social
activity
(e.g. loss of interest or
low energy)
Attachment to or
avoidance of
items
reminding
us of our loss
Shock or numbness
Liberation or
relief
Distress
Anger or
irritability
Sadness
Confusion
Self-blame or guilt
Anxiety or fear
Loneliness or longing
Depression or despair
How can we cope with grief?
At times, we may feel lost and unsure of
how to process our grief, especially if our coping strategies seem
unhelpful or
even harmful to our physical and
mental well-being. While we should process grief at our own pace and in
ways
comfortable for us, it is also important
that our coping strategies are healthy.
Unhealthy habits
such as drinking alcohol, overeating, smoking, or abusing substances may
provide us temporary
relief and might be
difficult to avoid during painful times of grief. However, they are
addictive and harmful to our
health, making life
more difficult for us in the long run.
Identify and understand what we feel
When we grieve, we may not be able to understand what we feel and why. To make sense of our emotions, we can use the feelings tracker to identify how we are feeling and understand it using the emotions explorer.
Embrace our feelings
It is natural to feel a wide range of emotions such as sadness, anger, guilt, or even relief as we grieve. Although we will need to process these emotions eventually, we can first take time to just sit with them. When we finally feel ready, we can learn to manage our emotions.
Write a journal
Starting a grief journal can help us express our thoughts and emotions and prevent us from becoming overwhelmed. We can use our grief journal to record memories, write a letter to the person or thing we have lost, or even express ourselves through art like drawing or painting. We can choose what we would like to add to it and how much. Going through our journal entries can help us to realise how we have grown and encourage us to continue persevering.
Try having small meals
Following our loss, we may not have much of an appetite or might be too busy with necessary arrangements (e.g. making palliative care or funeral arrangements) that we neglect our meals. As grief can take a toll on our body, without sufficient nutrition, it may become even harder to cope. Try to have small healthy meals to provide our mind and body with the energy it needs during this difficult period.
Try to get sufficient sleep
During this
period, our thoughts and emotions
can keep us up at night. Sometimes,
sleep disturbances
(e.g. dreaming of the thing or
person we lost, or worrying about
debts to be repaid) may make it
harder to have a restful sleep.
As
having inadequate rest can make
us feel worse physically,
emotionally and mentally, it is
important we get sufficient
sleep. If we have trouble
sleeping at night, we can try
taking naps throughout the day
or night instead.
Having some quiet time
by ourselves, reading a book or
listening to music can also help
us relax and improve our sleep.
Here are some additional self-help
tools that may help us
get adequate rest.
Take a stroll to relax
We might spend a lot of time thinking about the past as we grieve. Going on a walk can help us feel connected to the present moment and clear our minds. A short walk also allows us to be exposed to natural sunlight and fresh air, while helping us get some physical exercise and providing opportunities to interact with others. This can help improve our mood and the quality of our sleep.
Reach out to others for help
Although
everyone’s experience with grief is
different, it does not mean that we
will be unable to find support.
Reaching out to someone we trust or
accepting support from others can in
fact help us cope as they can
provide us with support and a fresh
perspective. Find out how we can
reach out to others in our time of
need here.
However,
it is also okay if we choose not
to accept help, especially if
that is not what we feel we need
at the moment. We can still
thank them for their support and
let them know we will reach out
if we need their help or when we
are ready. By communicating our
needs clearly, we can avoid
pushing others
away unintentionally.
Seek support from other sources
If we do not feel comfortable reaching out to our family or friends, we can consider calling a hotline or joining a grief support group instead.
Try to accomplish simpler routines and tasks
Grief and loss
can disrupt our usual routines as
these may involve the person or
thing we lost. We may also not have
the energy or motivation to carry
out our usual responsibilities.
Instead of forcing ourselves to
carry out all our activities, we can
try maintaining smaller and simpler
bits of our daily routines as much
as possible.
For
example, we can try to wake up,
have our meals and go to bed at
regular timings. Maintaining a
consistent routine can provide
us with a sense of stability as
we navigate through our grief.
It can help us to adapt better
and may temporarily distract us
from our pain.
We
can also break our tasks and
goals into smaller chunks. This
allows us to adapt to our new
normal at a more comfortable
pace. Completing these small
goals can also be an affirmation
of our resilience as
we cope.
Be patient and give ourselves time to adapt to our loss
There is no rush for us to heal from our loss or make major life changes following the loss (e.g. remarrying, finding a permanent home). We can instead take our time and resume or engage in activities when we feel ready.
Coping with guilt and regret
During our grieving period, we may blame
ourselves for things such as not spending enough time with our loved one
or not doing more to “prevent” our loss.
We may also experience guilt when we find ourselves feeling
relief or anger over our loss. Even though experiencing
guilt and regret is normal during grief, knowing
how to process these feelings is important for our healing process.
Here are some ways we can overcome our guilt
and regret:
Coping with reawakened grief
Reawakened grief refers to
feelings of grief that return due to reminders of our loss. It is normal
for us
to experience reawakened grief, especially
after the loss of a loved one. Reminders of loss may include
special occasions (e.g. birthdays, death
anniversaries, holidays), or even sights, sounds, and smells
associated with our loss or the person
we lost.
We can cope with reawakened grief by:
Being prepared during special occasions
Anticipating reawakened grief during special occasions that are reminders of our loss can help us to plan for the day and anticipate the emotions we will feel. Instead of spending these occasions alone, we can arrange to meet up with friends or family and spend time with them to take our minds off our loss and receive social support.
Reminiscing about and honouring our loved one
When we are reminded of our loss, we can remember the good memories we have of our loved one instead of focusing on what we have lost. We can also honour them by starting a new tradition such as donating to a charity in their name during the special occasion.
When should we seek
professional help?
During our grief, there may be many dark
periods when we experience intense difficult emotions and thoughts.
While
most of us make it through these dark
periods, some of us may be unable to accept or move on from our loss. If
our
grief feels too much to bear or is affecting
our daily lives and overall health, we should seek professional help.
Seeking
help is a sign of courage,
not weakness.
We should consider seeking help from a healthcare professional
if these symptoms persist for more than 6 months or
are distressing and disruptive to
our lives:
Persistent, intense yearning, or longing for the deceased
Intense emotional pain (e.g. anger or sadness) related to the deceased that does not improve over time
Desire to join the deceased
Detachment and/or isolation
Intense obsession with the circumstances of the deceased’s death
Trouble keeping up with a normal routine, such as eating, sleeping, going to work or handling usual responsibilities (e.g. caregiving)
Inability to stop self-blame over the loss
Persistent thoughts and feelings of being
worthless and hopeless
(e.g. life has no meaning or purpose, unable to
find joy or positivity in life) or having thoughts of
suicide or self-harm
Feeling emotionally numb
Experiencing hallucinations (hearing or seeing things that are not there, or that make us feel scared)
Engaging in unhealthy coping strategies such as drinking alcohol or smoking tobacco
