Understanding grief
Loss can refer to losing someone or something precious to us such as a loved one, relationship, or even a pet. While our child may express their grief differently from us, they may similarly experience sadness,
anger, anxiety, or even fear.
If their normal daily routines and functions (e.g. appetite, energy, or sleep) are affected, it could be a sign that they are struggling to manage their grief.
Read on to find out how we, as parents or caregivers, can better support our child through grief and teach them healthy ways to cope.
What is grief?
Grief is a natural response to losing someone or something important to us. It is a personal experience, with everyone grieving differently and at different paces. Our child can learn to heal in a comfortable and healthy way by understanding their emotions, learning to care for themselves, and seeking support.
What causes grief?
Some common causes of grief include:
(e.g. break-up or loss of friendship)
a traumatic event
(e.g. accident, house fire or assault)
Common misconceptions:
Understanding stages of grief
Unexpected events and circumstances can cause our child to feel grief and may
make it hard for them to move on. While grief is different for everyone, there are 5
common stages of grief that can help us make sense of our child’s emotions.
These 5 stages of grief are:
Denial
Right after experiencing a loss, our child may feel stunned or numb, choosing to deny reality rather than overcome their disbelief in what has happened. This is normal and a natural way of protecting themselves from the full impact of grief. Denial is the body’s method of managing emotions in a way that staggers and paces pain, letting in only as much as it can handle.
Anger
As they begin to process the loss, life may seem unfair to our child and they may begin to question why this happened or who caused it.
They might misdirect their anger, hurt, and frustration onto innocent others, blaming the person who left them, those they think are responsible for their loss or even themselves.
Sometimes, they may even direct their anger at strangers as a result of their general sense of anger and hatred at the world. They might also feel disconnected and alone.
Bargaining
Having to suddenly adapt to life without the person or thing they lost can have our child feeling helpless and hurt. When trying to cope with this pain, they may resort to making futile deals and
promises such as “I promise to never get angry again if it prevents them from leaving this friendship” or “I will turn my life around if it keeps them from dying”.
Their minds may also explore alternate realities to see if they could have prevented their loss from ever occurring. They might wonder if their grief could have been avoided if they had done things
differently or not done something at all.
Depression
As our child proceeds to accept their loss, they might feel too upset to do anything. They may not see any reasons to get out of bed or engage in their normal routines, withdrawing from their usual
activities and interactions.
While their sorrow may feel endless and difficult to recover from, it is important for them to recognise that these depressive feelings are temporary and simply their body’s way of helping them cope
with their loss.
Acceptance
As our child progresses through their grief, their feelings of depression will gradually improve. Slowly they may find themselves looking toward to future plans and resuming their normal activities or
interactions with family and friends.
Acceptance does not mean that our child will not feel negative emotions when reminded of their loss or become happy right away. While they may still feel sad when reminded of their loss, they will
be able to cope with their negative emotions and thoughts better.
While these stages are common when processing grief, not everyone undergoes all
the stages or in the same order. This is perfectly normal and okay.
What are the signs and
symptoms of grief?
The type and intensity of emotions experienced as well as the physical signs of
grief vary for each person. For example:
Energy loss
Hyper-sensitivity to sight, smell or sound
Loss of appetite
Sleep disturbances,
exhaustion, fatigue
Increased susceptibility to illnesses
Empty, tight or sick feeling in the stomach, tightened chest,
constricted throat, breathlessness, heart palpitations
Difficulties coming to terms with the loss or disbelief
Obsession with thoughts of the loss
Difficulties with memory and concentration
Feelings of helplessness or hopelessness
Absent-mindedness
Disorganised thoughts
Crying or sighing
Being agitated or tense
Preoccupation with the loss
Withdrawing from social
activity (e.g. loss of interest or low energy)
Attachment to or
avoidance of items
reminding us of our loss
Shock or numbness
Liberation or
relief
Distress
Anger or
irritability
Sadness
Confusion
Self-blame
or guilt
Anxiety or fear
Loneliness or longing
Depression or despair
Coping with grief
At times, our child may feel lost or unsure of how to handle their grief and may blame themselves for
the loss, avoiding things associated with it. As parents or caregivers, it is important for us to support and
guide them through their grief so that they can grow emotionally stronger and healthier.
Use simple language
- As our young child may not be able to understand the concept and permanence of death, it may be helpful to be clear and simple in our language to avoid scaring them.
- Avoid indirect phrasing such as “losing a loved one” as it can be confusing for them. They may interpret the term literally and assume that the person has gone missing and can be found later. Other terms to avoid include “passed away” and “gone to sleep”.
Use concrete examples
- Our young child may not be able to fully grasp the abstract idea of death. We can thus try explaining it using examples of things they can see, feel, or directly experience.
- For instance, we may compare death to a flower that has wilted and stopped growing. We can also explain death as when our body stops moving and cannot be fixed, no longer feeling pain or cold.
Be honest
- Our older child may be more aware of the concept of death and may need more information to understand their emotions.
- We can explain to them that death is a natural part of life and may happen for many different reasons.
Answer their questions
As our child tries to understand their loss, they may ask us questions. We should be prepared to answer them. Remember that it is okay to say “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure” to questions we do not have the answers to.
Help them understand their emotions
As our child experiences grief, they may not be able to understand why they are feeling the way they do. We can use the feelings tracker to help them identify how they are feeling and aid them in understanding these emotions using the emotions explorer .
Listen and acknowledge their emotions
We can explain that it is natural to feel a wide range of emotions such as sadness, anger, guilt, or relief while grieving. Lend a listening ear and allow them to express their emotions without judgement.
Provide a creative outlet for them
As our young child may have difficulties expressing and verbalising their feelings, we can encourage creative methods such as scrapbooking, painting, or drawing as emotional outlets.
This will help them express themselves while helping us understand what they are feeling, improve communication, and form a better connection with them.
Be patient with them
Remind them to take their time with the process and when they are ready, we can guide them in managing their emotions .
Provide stability with daily routines, where possible
- Grief and loss can disrupt our child’s normal routines as these may involve the person or thing that they have lost. They may also not have the energy to carry out their usual responsibilities. Instead of forcing them to carry on with all their activities, we can encourage them to maintain bits of their daily routines as much as possible.
- For example, we can create a routine for them with fixed timings to wake up, have meals, and go to bed. Maintaining a consistent routine can provide them with a sense of stability as they navigate through their grief. It can help them to adapt better and may temporarily distract them from their pain.
Ensure they eat
Following their loss, our child may not have much of an appetite and might neglect their meals. As grief can take a toll on their body, without sufficient nutrition, it may become even harder for them to cope. Try to ensure that they have small healthy meals to provide their mind and body with the energy it needs during this difficult period.
Ensure they get sufficient rest
Our child may have thoughts and emotions that keep them up at night. Sometimes, sleep disturbances (e.g. dreaming of the deceased, worrying about making new friends in a new school environment)
may make what little sleep they do have unrestful.
As having inadequate rest can make them feel worse physically, emotionally and mentally, it is important for us to ensure they get sufficient sleep. If they have trouble sleeping at night, we
can advise them to try taking naps throughout the day or night instead.
Having some quiet time by themselves, reading a book, or listening to music can also help them relax and improve their sleep.
Here
are some additional self-help tools that may help them get adequate rest.
Encourage them to go on strolls
Our child might spend a lot of time thinking about the past as they grieve. Suggest going on walks together to help them feel connected to the present moment and clear their minds. They can get natural sunlight and fresh air while getting some physical exercise and gaining opportunities to socialise with others. This can improve their mood and the quality of their sleep.
Coping with guilt and regret
During their grieving period, our child may blame themselves for things such as not spending enough time with their
loved one or not doing more to “prevent” their loss. They may also experience guilt when they find themselves feeling
relief or anger over their loss.
Even though experiencing guilt and regret is normal during grief, knowing how to process these feelings is important
for our child’s healing journey.
Here are some ways our child can overcome their guilt and regret:
Coping with reawakened grief
Reawakened grief refers to feelings of grief that return due to reminders of our loss. It is normal for our child to
experience reawakened grief especially after the loss of a loved one. Reminders of loss may include special occasions
(e.g. birthdays, death anniversaries, holidays), or even sights, sounds and smells associated with their loss or the
person they lost.
Our child can cope with reawakened grief by:
Being prepared during special occasions
Anticipating reawakened grief during special occasions that are reminders of their loss can help our child to plan for the day and anticipate the emotions they will feel. Instead of spending these occasions alone, they can arrange to meet up with friends or family and spend time with them to take their minds off their loss and receive social support.
Reminiscing about and honouring their loved one
When they are reminded of their loss, our child can remember the good memories they have of their loved one instead of focusing on what they have lost. They can also honour their loved one by starting a new tradition such as donating to a charity in their name during the special occasion.
When should our child seek
professional help?
During their grief, there may be many dark periods when our child experiences intense negative emotions and
thoughts. While most of them make it through these dark periods, some of them may be unable to accept or move on
from their loss. If our child’s grief seems like it is too much for them to bear, or is affecting their daily lives and overall
health, we should encourage them to seek professional help. Assure them that seeking support is a sign of strength,
not weakness.
We should consider seeking help from a
healthcare professional
if these symptoms persist for more than 6
months or are distressing and disruptive to our child’s lives:
Persistent, intense yearning, or longing for the deceased
Intense emotional pain (e.g. anger or sadness) related to the deceased that does not improve over time
Desire to join the deceased
Detachment or isolation
Intense obsession with the circumstances of the deceased’s death
Trouble keeping up with a normal routine, such as eating, sleeping, going to school, or handling usual responsibilities
(e.g. submitting their homework on time)
Inability to stop self-blame
over the loss
Persistent thoughts and feelings of being worthless and hopeless
(e.g. life has no meaning or purpose, unable to find joy or positivity in life) or having thoughts of suicide or self-harm
Feeling emotionally numb
Experiencing hallucinations (hearing or seeing things that are not there, or that make them feel scared)
Engaging in unhealthy coping strategies such as fighting in school
Self-care matters
Caring for our child as they process and manage their grief can take a toll on our physical and mental well-being. We may need some time to recharge ourselves as well, especially if we are also grieving.
Practising and prioritising self-care will put us in a ready state to provide our child with the support they will need. Hence, there is no need to feel guilty to rest or attend to our needs as it will help us
take better care of them.
Learn more tips on
managing our emotions
or
coping with grief
to keep our body and mind healthy.
Understanding grief
Loss can refer to losing someone or something precious to us such as a loved one, relationship, or even a pet. As they grieve, our teen may experience difficult emotions such as sadness or despair. These may be
especially tough for them to navigate as they may also be experiencing other physical and emotional changes during this period of adolescence.
If their normal daily routines and functions (e.g. appetite, energy, or sleep) are affected, it could be a sign that they are struggling to manage their grief.
Click
here
to find out what grief is like for our teen.
Read on to learn how we, as parents or caregivers, can better support them through grief and teach them healthy ways to cope.
What is grief?
Grief is a natural response to losing someone or something important to us. It is a personal experience, with everyone grieving differently and at different paces. Our teen can learn to heal in a comfortable and healthy way by understanding their emotions, learning to care for themselves, and seeking support.
What causes grief?
Some common causes of grief include:
(e.g. break-up or loss of friendship)
a traumatic event
(e.g. accident, house fire or assault)
Common misconceptions:
Understanding stages of grief
Unexpected events and circumstances can cause us to feel grief and may make it hard for our teen to
move on. While grief is different for everyone, there are 5 common stages of grief that can help us make
sense of our teen’s emotions.
These 5 stages of grief are:
Denial
Right after experiencing a loss, our teen may feel stunned or numb, choosing to deny reality rather than overcome their disbelief in what has happened. This is normal and a natural way of protecting themselves from the full impact of grief. Denial is the body’s method of managing emotions in a way that staggers and paces pain, letting in only as much as it can handle.
Anger
As they begin to process the loss, life may seem unfair to our teen, and they may begin to question why this happened or who caused it.
They might misdirect their anger, hurt and frustration onto innocent others, blaming the person who left them, those they think are responsible for their loss or even themselves.
Sometimes, they may even direct their anger at strangers as a result of their general sense of anger and hatred at the world. They might also feel disconnected and alone.
Bargaining
Having to suddenly adapt to life without the person or thing they lost can have our teen feeling helpless and hurt. When trying to cope with this pain, they may resort to making futile deals and
promises such as “I promise to never get angry again if it prevents them from leaving this friendship” or “I will turn my life around if it keeps them from dying”.
Their minds may also explore alternate realities to see if they could have prevented their loss from ever occurring. They might wonder if their grief could have been avoided if they had done things
differently or not done something at all.
Depression
As our teen proceeds to accept their loss, they might feel too upset to do anything. They may not see any reasons to get out of bed or engage in their normal routines, withdrawing from their usual
activities and interactions.
While their sorrow may feel endless and too difficult to recover from, it is important for them to recognise that these depressive feelings are temporary and simply their body’s way of helping them
cope with their loss.
Acceptance
As our teen progresses through their grief, their feelings of depression will gradually improve. Slowly, they may find themselves looking forward to future plans and resuming their normal activities
or interactions with family and friends.
Acceptance does not mean that our teen will not feel negative emotions when reminded of their loss or become happy right away. While they may still feel sad when reminded of their loss, they will be
able to cope with their negative emotions and thoughts better.
While these stages are common when processing grief, not everyone undergoes all the stages or in the same
order. This is perfectly normal and okay.
What are the signs and
symptoms of grief?
The type and intensity of emotions experienced as well as the physical signs of
grief vary for each person. For example:
Energy loss
Hyper-sensitivity to sight, smell or sound
Loss of appetite
Sleep disturbances,
exhaustion, fatigue
Increased susceptibility to illnesses
Empty, tight or sick feeling in the stomach, tightened chest,
constricted throat, breathlessness, heart palpitations
Difficulties coming to terms with the loss or disbelief
Obsession with thoughts of the loss
Difficulties with memory and concentration
Feelings of helplessness or hopelessness
Absent-mindedness
Disorganised thoughts
Crying or sighing
Being agitated or tense
Preoccupation with the loss
Withdrawing from social
activity (e.g. loss of interest or low energy)
Attachment to or
avoidance of items
reminding us of our loss
Shock or numbness
Liberation or
relief
Distress
Anger or
irritability
Sadness
Confusion
Self-blame
or guilt
Anxiety or fear
Loneliness or longing
Depression or despair
Coping with grief
At times, our teen may feel lost or unsure of how to handle their grief and may blame themselves for
the loss, avoiding things associated with it. As parents or caregivers, it is important for us to support and
guide them through their grief so that they can grow emotionally stronger and healthier.
Help them understand their emotions
As our teen experiences grief, they may not be able to understand why they are feeling the way they do. We can use the feelings tracker to help them identify how they are feeling and aid them in understanding these emotions using the emotions explorer .
Listen and acknowledge their emotions
We can explain that it is natural to feel a wide range of emotions such as depression, anger, guilt, or relief while grieving. Lend a listening ear and allow them to express their emotions without judgement.
Be patient with them
Remind them to take their time with the process and when they are ready, we can guide them in managing their emotions .
Suggest writing a journal
Starting a grief journal can help our teen express their thoughts and emotions and prevent them from becoming overwhelmed. They can also use their grief journal to record memories, write a letter to the person or thing they have lost, or even express themselves through art like drawing or painting. Going through their journal entries can help them realise how they have grown and encourage them to continue persevering.
Provide stability with daily routines, where possible
- Grief and loss can disrupt our teen’s normal routines as these may involve the person or thing that they have lost. They may also not have the energy to carry out their usual responsibilities. Instead of forcing them to carry on with all their activities, we can encourage them to maintain bits of their daily routines as much as possible.
- For example, we can create a routine for them with fixed timings to wake up, have meals and go to bed. Maintaining a consistent routine can provide them with a sense of stability as they navigate through their grief. It can help them to adapt better and may temporarily distract them from their pain.
- We can also break down their tasks and goals into smaller chunks. This allows them to adapt to their new normal at a more comfortable pace. Completing these small goals can also be an affirmation of their resilience as they cope.
Ensure they eat
Following their loss, our teen may not have much of an appetite and might neglect their meals. As grief can take a toll on their body, without sufficient nutrition, it may become even harder for them to cope. Try to ensure that they have small healthy meals to provide their mind and body with the energy it needs during this difficult period.
Ensure they get sufficient rest
Our teen may have thoughts and emotions that keep them up at night. Sometimes, sleep disturbances (e.g. dreaming of the deceased, worrying about making new friends in a new school environment)
may make what little sleep they do have unrestful.
As having adequate rest can make them feel worse physically, emotionally and mentally, it is important for us to ensure they get sufficient sleep. If they have trouble sleeping at night, we
can advise them to try taking naps throughout the day or night instead.
Having some quiet time by themselves, reading a book, or listening to music can also help them relax and improve their sleep.
Here
are some additional self-help tools that may help them get adequate rest.
Encourage them to go on strolls
Our teen might spend a lot of time thinking about the past as they grieve. Suggest going on walks together to help them feel connected to the present moment and clear their minds. They can get natural sunlight and fresh air while getting some physical exercise and gaining opportunities to socialise with others. This can improve their mood and the quality of their sleep.
Remind them to be kind to themselves
Gently reassure them that there is no rush for them to heal from their loss or make major life changes following the loss (e.g. getting into a new relationship, finding a new friend group, etc.). Encourage them to give themselves time to adapt to their loss instead and resume or engage in activities when they feel ready.
Coping with guilt and regret
During their grieving period, our teen may blame themselves for things such as not spending enough time with their
loved one or not doing more to “prevent” their loss. They may also experience guilt when they find themselves feeling
relief or anger over their loss. Even though experiencing guilt and regret is normal during grief, knowing how to
process these feelings is important for our teen’s healing journey.
Here are some ways our teen can overcome their guilt and regret:
Coping with reawakened grief
Reawakened grief refers to feelings of grief that return due to reminders of our loss. It is normal for our teen to
experience reawakened grief especially after the loss of a loved one. Reminders of loss may include special occasions
(e.g. birthdays, death anniversaries, holidays), or even sights, sounds and smells associated with their loss or the
person they lost.
Our teen can cope with reawakened grief by:
Being prepared during special occasions
Anticipating reawakened grief during special occasions that are reminders of their loss can help our teen to plan for the day and anticipate the emotions they will feel. Instead of spending these occasions alone, they can arrange to meet up with friends or family and spend time with them to take their minds off their loss and receive social support.
Reminiscing about and honouring their loved one
When they are reminded of their loss, our teen can remember the good memories they have of their loved one instead of focusing on what they have lost. They can also honour their loved one by starting a new tradition such as donating to a charity in their name during the special occasion.
When should our teen seek
professional help?
During their grief, there may be many dark periods when our teen experiences intense negative emotions and
thoughts. While most of them make it through these dark periods, some of them may be unable to accept or move on
from their loss. If our teen’s grief seems like it is too much for them to bear, or is affecting their daily lives and overall
health, we should encourage them to seek professional help. Assure them that seeking support is a sign of strength,
not weakness.
We should consider seeking help from a
healthcare professional
for them if these symptoms persist for more than 6
months or are distressing and disruptive to our teen’s lives:
Persistent, intense yearning, or longing for the deceased
Intense emotional pain (e.g. anger or sadness) related to the deceased that does not improve over time
Desire to join the deceased
Detachment or isolation
Intense obsession with the circumstances of the deceased’s death
Trouble keeping up with a normal routine, such as eating, sleeping, going to school, or handling usual responsibilities
(e.g. submitting their homework on time)
Inability to stop self-blame over the loss
Persistent thoughts and feelings of being worthless and hopeless
(e.g. life has no meaning or purpose, unable to find joy or positivity in life) or having thoughts of suicide or self-harm
Feeling emotionally numb
Experiencing hallucinations (hearing or seeing things that are not there, or that make them feel scared)
Engaging in unhealthy coping strategies such as drinking alcohol or fighting in school
Self-care matters
Caring for our teen as they process and manage their grief can take a toll on our physical and mental well-being. We may need some time to recharge ourselves as well, especially if we are also grieving.
Practising and prioritising self-care will put us in a ready state to provide our teen with the support they will need. Hence, there is no need to feel guilty to rest or attend to our needs as it will help us
take better care of them.
Learn more tips on
managing our emotions
or
coping with grief
to keep our body and mind healthy.
