Understanding grief
As we enter our golden years, we
may experience loss. It may be the loss of a family member, close friend, our job, or even our
health.
During such times, we may face difficult emotions such as sadness or despair
along with our grief. Such emotions can feel overwhelming and affect our appetite, energy, and
sleep, thereby impacting our well-being and daily routines. Although navigating these feelings
may not be easy, there are healthy ways for us to cope with our loss, find new meaning and
prevent social isolation.
Read on to find out more about what we can do to cope
with grief.
What is grief?
Grief is a natural response to losing someone or something important to us. It is a personal experience, with everyone grieving differently and at different paces. We can learn to heal in a comfortable and healthy way by understanding our emotions, learning to care for ourselves, and seeking support.
What causes grief?
Some common causes of grief include:
(e.g. a family member, friend or pet)
a traumatic event
(e.g. traffic accident,
house fire or assault)
Common misconceptions of grief
Understanding stages of grief
As we age, grief may become more of a common occurrence.
While grief is different for everyone, there are
5 common stages of grief
that can help us make sense of our emotions.
These 5 stages of grief are:
Denial
Right after experiencing a loss, we may feel stunned or numb, choosing to deny reality rather than overcome our disbelief in what has happened. This is normal and a natural way of protecting ourselves from the full impact of grief. Denial is the body’s method of managing our emotions in a way that staggers and paces the pain, letting in only as much as it can handle.
Anger
As we begin to process the loss, life may seem unfair, and we may
begin to question why this happened or who caused it.
We might misdirect our
anger, hurt, and frustration onto innocent others, blaming the person who left us,
those we think are responsible for our loss or even ourselves.
Sometimes, we may even direct our anger at strangers as a
result of our general sense of anger and hatred at the world. We might also feel
disconnected and alone.
Bargaining
Having to suddenly adapt to life without the person or thing we lost
can have us feeling helpless and hurt. When trying to cope with this pain, we may
resort to making futile deals and promises such as “I promise to never get angry
again if it prevents them from leaving me” or “I will turn my life around if it
keeps them from dying”.
Our minds may also explore
alternate realities to see if we could have prevented our loss from ever
occurring. We might wonder if our grief could have been avoided if we had done
things differently or not done something at all.
Depression
As we proceed to accept our loss, we might feel too upset to do
anything. We may not see any reason to get out of bed or engage in our normal
routines, withdrawing from our usual activities and interactions (e.g. carrying out
our hobbies, spending time with friends and family).
While our sorrow may feel endless and too difficult to
recover from, it is important to recognise that these depressive feelings are
temporary and simply our body’s way of helping us cope with our loss.
Acceptance
As we progress through our grief, our feelings of depression will
gradually improve. Slowly, we may find ourselves looking forward to future plans and
resuming our usual activities or interactions with our family and friends.
Acceptance does not mean that we will not feel difficult emotions when
reminded of our loss or become happy right away. We may still
find ourselves alternating between feeling intense emotions and pushing aside our
emotions temporarily to fulfil our practical needs and life tasks (e.g. having to
run errands without our loved one, adjust to our poorer health or
mobility status).
While these stages are common when processing grief, not everyone undergoes all the stages or in the same order. This is perfectly normal and okay.
What are the signs and
symptoms of grief?
The type and intensity of emotions experienced as well as the
physical signs of
grief vary for each person. For example:
Energy loss
Hyper-sensitivity to sight, smell or sound
Loss of appetite, leading to weight loss
Sleep disturbances,
exhaustion, fatigue
Increased susceptibility to illnesses
Empty, tight or sick feeling in the stomach, tightened chest,
constricted throat, breathlessness, heart palpitations
Difficulties coming to terms with the loss or disbelief
Obsession with thoughts of the loss
Difficulties with memory and concentration
Feelings of helplessness or hopelessness
Absent-mindedness
Disorganised thoughts
Crying or sighing
Being agitated or tense
Preoccupation with the loss
Lashing out at others for minor mistakes or misunderstandings
Abandoning routines
Being disorientated and disorganised
Withdrawing from social
activity
(e.g. loss of interest or low energy)
Attachment to or
avoidance of items
reminding us of our loss
Shock or numbness
Liberation or
relief
Distress
Anger or
irritability
Sadness
Confusion
Self-blame or guilt
Anxiety or fear
Loneliness or longing
Depression or despair
How can we cope with grief?
At times, we may feel lost and unsure of how to process our
grief, especially if our coping strategies seem unhelpful or
even harmful
to our physical and mental well-being. While we should process grief at our own pace and in ways
comfortable for us, it is also important that our coping strategies
are healthy.
Unhealthy habits such as drinking alcohol, overeating, smoking, or abusing
substances may provide us temporary
relief during painful times of grief.
However, they are addictive and harmful to our health, making life more difficult
for us in the long run.
Identify and understand what we feel
When we grieve, we may not be able to understand what we feel and why. To make sense of our emotions, we can use the feelings tracker to identify how we are feeling and understand it using the emotions explorer.
Embrace our feelings
It is natural to feel a wide range of emotions such as sadness, anger, guilt, or even relief as we grieve. Although we will need to process these emotions eventually, we can first take time to just sit with them. When we finally feel ready, we can learn to manage our emotions.
Write a journal
Starting a grief journal can help us express our thoughts and emotions and prevent us from becoming overwhelmed. We can use our grief journal to record memories, write a letter to the person or thing we have lost, or even express ourselves through art like drawing or painting. We can choose what we would like to add to it and how much. Going through our journal entries can help us to realise how we have grown and encourage us to continue persevering.
Try having small meals
Following our loss, we may not have much of an appetite or might be too busy with necessary arrangements (e.g. making palliative care or funeral arrangements) that we neglect our meals. As grief can take a toll on our body, without sufficient nutrition, it may become even harder to cope. Try to have small healthy meals to provide our mind and body with the energy it needs during this difficult period.
Try to get sufficient sleep
During this period, our thoughts and emotions can keep
us up at night. Sometimes, sleep disturbances (e.g. dreaming of the thing or
person we lost, worrying about debts to be repaid) may make what little sleep
we do have unrestful.
As having inadequate rest
can make us feel worse physically, emotionally and mentally, it is important
we get sufficient sleep. If we have trouble sleeping at night, we can try
taking naps throughout the day or night instead.
Having some quiet
time by ourselves, reading a book, or listening to music can also help us
relax and improve our sleep. Here are some additional self-help tools that may help
us get adequate rest.
Take a stroll to relax
We might spend a lot of time thinking about the past as we grieve. Going on a walk can help us feel connected to the present moment and clear our minds. A short walk also allows us to be exposed to natural sunlight and fresh air, while helping us get some physical exercise and providing opportunities to interact with others. This can help improve our mood and the quality of our sleep.
Reach out to others for help
Although everyone’s experience with grief is different,
it does not mean that we will be unable to find support. Reaching out to
someone we trust or accepting support from others can in fact help us cope as
they can provide us with support and a fresh perspective. Find out how we can
reach out to others in our time of need here.
However, it is also okay if we choose not to accept
help, especially if that is not what we feel we need at the moment. We can
still thank them for their support and let them know we will reach out if we
need their help or when we are ready. By communicating our needs clearly, we
can avoid pushing others away unintentionally.
Join community support programmes
If we do not feel comfortable reaching out to friends or the people around us, we can consider joining community programmes organized by Community Centres or Senior Activity Centres to meet new people instead. Some activities to consider include:
- Active Ageing Programmes
Connect with other residents from the same neighbourhood through free exercise programmes or workshops. This can help us to cope with periods of grief healthily as the programmes occupy our free time and we channel our energy into meeting new people that can provide social support for us. - Grief support groups or other support helplines.
Try to accomplish simpler routines and tasks
Grief and loss can disrupt our normal routines as these may involve the person or thing we lost. As we may not have the energy for our usual routines, we can try maintaining bits of it instead. For example we can:
- Try to wake up, have meals, and go to bed at regular timings. Maintaining a consistent routine can provide stability and help us to adapt better, temporarily distracting us from our pain.
- Break down our tasks and goals into smaller chunks. This allows us to adapt to our new normal more comfortably. Completing these small goals can also be an affirmation of our resilience.
Keep yourself occupied
As we may end up overthinking in our spare time,
engaging in healthy activities such as a hobby is helpful in keeping our mind
from straying while allowing us to meet and connect with people.
We
can consider joining activities such as:
Live Well Age Well Programme
This programme has a wide range of free activities and workshops ranging from physical activities to creative workshops.
Volunteer work
As part of experiencing grief, we may have negative thoughts and sometimes lose purpose or meaning in our lives. Through volunteering, we may find fulfilment in giving back and helping others. Find out more about the various volunteer opportunities and experience here.
Be patient and give ourselves time to adapt to our loss
There is no rush for us to heal from our loss or make major life changes following the loss. (e.g. remarrying, finding a permanent home). We can instead take our time and resume or engage in activities when we feel ready.
Coping with guilt and regret
During our grieving period, we may blame ourselves for things
such as not spending enough time with our loved one
or not doing more to
“prevent” our loss.
We may also experience guilt when we find ourselves feeling relief
or anger over our loss. Even though experiencing
guilt and regret is
normal during grief, knowing how to process these feelings is important for our healing process.
Here are some ways we can overcome our guilt and regret:
Coping with reawakened grief
Reawakened grief refers to feelings of grief that return
due to reminders of our loss. It is normal for us
to experience
reawakened grief, especially after the loss of a loved one. Reminders of loss may include
special occasions (e.g. birthdays, death anniversaries, holidays), or even
sights, sounds, and smells
associated with our loss or the person
we lost.
We can cope with reawakened grief by:
Being prepared during special occasions
Anticipating reawakened grief during special occasions that are reminders of our loss can help us to plan for the day and anticipate the emotions we will feel. Instead of spending these occasions alone, we can arrange to meet up with friends or family and spend time with them to take our minds off our loss and receive social support.
Reminiscing about and honouring our loved one
When we are reminded of our loss, we can remember the good memories we have of our loved one instead of focusing on what we have lost. We can also honour them by starting a new tradition such as donating to a charity in their name during the special occasion.
When should we seek
professional help?
During our grief, there may be many dark periods when we
experience intense difficult emotions and thoughts. While
most of us make
it through these dark periods, some of us may be unable to accept or move on from our loss. If
our
grief feels too much to bear or is affecting our daily lives and
overall health, we should seek professional help. Seeking
help is a sign
of courage, not weakness.
We should consider seeking help from a healthcare professional if these symptoms persist
for more than 6 months or
are distressing and disruptive to our lives:
Persistent, intense yearning, or longing for the deceased
Intense emotional pain (e.g. anger or sadness) related to the deceased that does not improve over time
Desire to join the deceased
Detachment and/or isolation
Intense obsession with the circumstances of the deceased’s death
Trouble keeping up with a normal routine, such as eating, sleeping, going to work or handling usual responsibilities (e.g. caregiving)
Inability to stop self-blame over the loss
Persistent thoughts and feelings of being worthless and hopeless
(e.g. life has no meaning or purpose, unable to find joy or positivity in life) or
having thoughts of suicide or self-harm
Feeling emotionally numb
Experiencing hallucinations (hearing or seeing things that are not there, or that make us feel scared)
Engaging in unhealthy coping strategies such as drinking alcohol or smoking tobacco
